Today is the 10th day of the war. Ten days of fighting and killing … ten days of explosions, gunshots… ten days of death… and ten days of losing a piece of my soul. These wars are…… horrible… destructing… even these words can’t explain the damage these wars bring to us soldiers.
Everyone thinks when a war happens economy gets affected. People lose their homes, their loved ones. The country loses its infrastructure, its land, its people. But no, this war is far more dangerous than these common facts, which always caught people’s eye.
No doubt many people had lost their loved ones but they are not as affected as we soldiers are. They are not the one who has taken every step keeping their lives in hand. They are not the one who has to go into the battlefield carrying these killer guns, Grenade, bombs and they are not the ones who has to give up their sanity to kill and take other people to live.
I know you must be thinking why I’m saying this if I choose this life myself and on the starters that I’m trained to be a fighter who can give his life for his country and when the times come, can also take life for the sake of the country.
I know this. And hell, I’m glad that I can do something for my country. But still, deep down, I wish I don’t have to kill. You know these lessons of fighting self-defence, weapons, etcetera and etcetera are drilled in my mind by an hour of training, screwing, thrashing, and more training, but deep down, somewhere in the farthest corner of my heart, there is a wish that there were no wars.
I wish there were no wars, no battles so that I don’t have to be a killer.
No matter I kill to survive and to make sure other innocent people are safe. But still, every life I take, I kill a part of my soul too. My sanity was threatened every time I shot someone. I fear that a time will come when my soul will go insane and get exploded just like I explode my enemies’ bunkers and safe places.
In the farthest part of my bleeding heart, lays there a scared me who is afraid of the nightmares full of blood, gore, dead bodies, blown areas, bleeding soldiers who are screaming out of pain, crying for their fallen fellows. These nightmares don’t let me sleep for weeks, months… and due to which, I cry my heart out in the middle of the night.
I wish there were no wars so that I don’t have to see my fellow companion, who has been there with me in thick and thin, dead………..
You know too that it hurts, it’s paining like hell that now I can’t see my friends who were there with me in training, in patrolling, in mess and every moment of my life. Till now, I have lost too many fellows.
And I want to mourn their death. I want to cry hard calling their names and demanding them to come back and tell me that this is some prank and they’re safe. But know I can’t. I felt so helpless when this war took my buddies.
And somehow, I feel guilty that they are dead and I’m not. That they can’t see their families and write them letters while here I’m still standing like an old statue, writing my long-buried feelings in you, dear diary. But I have hope that I can see them again when I’m no longer able to hold this pen and my killer gun in my dead scarred hands.
I wish there were no wars so that I could spend some more time with my family
I miss those days when I could take a leave from my duties and spend some time with my family who usually sees me two or three times a year. I miss my precious daughter, whom I hold in my hands and spin her around, listening to her giggling. I miss the woman who has sent her husband to the field of death with a heavy heart and even then hasn’t made any attempt to stop me.
I miss them to the extent that I can’t even describe them. But this extending war is reducing my chance to see them again day by day. I know and believe it is an honour to die for my country but I can still not ignore the wailing of my 3-year-old daughter who was reaching for me when I left the front door of my home.
I still can’t ignore the teary eyes of the lady who had given her everything to me, when I kissed her one last time not knowing whether I’ll be coming back or not. After all, I’m human too. Though I’m a saviour and I’m here to ensure that my family and other innocent people don’t die in a crossfire, it still hurt not to know the probability that my life is not even one out of ten.
My heart bleeds that this war has pushed me so far from my family where I can only pray to God to let me see them once. If there were any other time on border duty, I would have hoped to see them, but now that hope is not strong.
I wish there were no wars so that I can enjoy my life again
It looks like our time has ended, dear diary. Sirens have started to ring, and that means “ prepare yourself for another day of war, soldier, for another day of struggling with death and another day of pushing yourself to come back to base alive” in our typical Energizer Bunny’ style( by the way that’s our colonel, the commanding officer of our battalion).
It seems like it was a few minutes ago when I started sharing my feeling with you. *laughing shortly* But NO, it’s soon to be morning, dear diary. That’s why I loathe war. They don’t even let our soldiers rest for a while. It didn’t even allow me to complete my talk with you. Well, I better go prepare myself for a new day of fighting, killing, surviving, healing and again healing( you know picking pieces of my soul which will fall today) before Energizer Bunny gets his hands on me.
I hope I’ll make out of today’s battlefield alive and sees you again. Wish me luck, dear diary and pray that I come back to you after this massacre. Wish me luck, dear diary. Wish me luck.
Until then, goodbye.